When sleep eludes me

I was the stupid one who went to bed at almost midnight, and now I am the one for some reason up at 4:30am. Perhaps it is because my mind was racing in 40 different directions? I don't know. I know I have a million things it seems, that I need to do at work, and I know it will all get done.

So I am here, downstairs while Derek sleeps away, and the cats play and roam around the living room, begging for food (not going to feed them yet). While Marisa sleeps soundly inside of me. (3-5 weeks to go and that STILL sounds weird).

I....can't.....sleep.

I told my friend Julie I was going to watch the news to help me sleep for at least another hour. I guess I just wanted to come on here in an effort to push my last post down further on the page because, inevitably I'll receive much criticism for it in the coming months. (shoot in the coming hours as my collection of readers log on, lurk, read, and eventually comment.) It will be referred to and held against me and I'll be told "You just could not let it all go."

Quite frankly, even though this is my blog and I am free to express myself. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! It IS my blog and I should be free to express my free flowing thoughts at any given moment without fear of friends or family holding it against me. I've faced this all my life. Wanting to express myself only finding myself, at times, holding back because people love to point out how imperfect I am. Or "Well you said___________ 3 months ago." Or "In 19__you did______"

Yep....over thinking will keep one up at odd ball hours of the night. I'm not sorry for my thought process last night. If I were I'd be denying myself the ability to grasp what I am trying to let go of and understand. That does not mean in any way, shape, or form, that I am not sorry for my actions, as my one line of "I am not sorry.." will be construed as my not being sorry for ANYTHING.

This just brings up a whole new thought process that I need to pray and think about today;

The words I say are misinterpreted by many people in my life. Is that my fault? My miscommunication? Or is it that I am not asked to further clarify my thoughts? (sometimes my long boring explanations help people understand what I REALLY mean.) or am I just a bumbling, rotten, idiot who can't let anything go? (I know I am not rotten, but I also know I can let things go.)