For Vinson, Dale, Dirk and Shay

"I bet Derek and Katie did it!!!!!"

Sorry for those of you who don't get it. It's now and Inside joke. Perhaps this encourages cliques, which it isn't meant for that purpose, but this was just a funny comment I made to these guys, and for some reason, it's tickling my funny bone. Really it's not worth it to go into details.

OMG....I did a dumb thing today. I was on the computer here (Derek had the laptop at work) and I forgot that last night I was on the laptop and he was on here....chock it up to pregnancy brain? Or just my being lazy. saw some pictures of a friends newborn baby on facebook...commented on the pics and then realized. CRAP I'm still logged in as Derek here. Oops.

There really is a difference between and honest mistake and doing something deliberately. And, I know some people will read this and roll their eyes. Forgive me for little things bringing up reminders of recent happenings in life. I'm still trying to process it all, and find where I am to get on my knees and beg forgiveness for an "accident". It may not seem that way, and this will likely be seen ans sarcastic and rude in nature. But I truly am trying to process it, and learn to forgive and let go. We all know it takes time.

heck....a friend of mine took 2 yrs to finally be able to forgive. I should be allowed some ample time...yes?

I miss the interaction with friends, and those I trusted info with. (Forgive me if I am not ready to quite share everything within the confines of my life with some of you). I don't miss some of the drama, and I don't miss having to walk on eggshells on certain topics. But I do miss certain aspects of it all. I've found that life has been less about the Christian drama and more about focusing on my own life. Perhaps that's what was hoped for by closing the door to me? I don't know.

Will friendships ever be the same? Nope....I hate to say that. I can honestly say that this whole thing feels like a "divorce" if you will. Though both parties want to move on and eventually reconcile and "just be friends"...it can never be what it once was and to try to pretend is nothing more than a lie. I've been through divorce. I'm on the road to friendship with my ex. But you knwo what? Our friendship, while being rebuilt, will never be what it once was. We'll never be as close as we were. there will always be that lingering "skeleton" that caused the breakdown of the core relationship. I'm not saying R is a jerk, or that deep down I resent him, hate him, etc. No...I forgive him, I forgive me. The friendship we knew 11+ years ago is no longer there. It's completely changed.

To be asked to continue a friendship and forget what happened a mere few weeks ago, says that I need to pretend nothing ever happened. If you all know me...you knwo I don't live my life in pretenses. I'm up front and honest. As I told a large group of people. I don't beat around the bush. Yes, comments have and will be made that I will be up in arms about. However....given time I'll be greatful for the honest kick in the butt whether I agree with it or not.

7 yrs ago my friend M, was totally up front and honest with me about a good many issues in life. I am forever greatful to her for her blunt honesty. At the time I may have not listened to her...but looking back....she kicked my ass (Thanks, M......) and told me "You're stupid"...ok...she didn't say that EXACTLY but.....still. She did it in a way to make me think...uh I'm stupid. I should listen to M.

Wow, it's midnight and I'm sitting here rambling about things I should be letting go of. Hurt I should just move on from...sorry.......

It's Derek's fault....ok not really......it's Pele's fault.