This week has proven to be excrutiatingly challenging for me. My faith in God and in myself have been tested. Questions have filled my mind about where I am supposed to go with my group and they are left unanswered because "we have to wait until the new priest arrives". Questions about why I allowed myself to be controlled for 12 months by someone and my heart and head are in a battle. I want to move on and be happy, but I need to forgive myself, I need to feel the joys of the freedom I have denied myself of for the last few months because I have been consumed with hiding the pain. How do you grieve?Can you grieve, when what is to be grieved for, is nothing but painful memories of verbal abuse and control? How do you grieve and what are you grieving for? Do I grieve for the time lost? The people I hurt along the way? Do I grieve the mistake and wish I had not gone through it? Only to realize, that, though it was a path I chose to take, God can still use me for a better purpose because of it. Could I have avoided it? Ye, most definitely. But would my path have crossed the lives He has now called me to lead? What about the lives I left behind? How do I forgive myself for the pain I caused my friend? Mt Family? How do I gain their trust again? Do they trust me? Will I ever be good enough for one person?
What do you want of me Lord? Show me the way. Take my burdens and carry them for me and lead me to the path of truth, so I may serve no one but you. Flood my soul with your spirit and your love.....
4 comments:
Praying for you. I love you.
Oh, and hey........1 Corinthians 10:13
i am praying for you as well, sis! i know it has been tough and i wish i could be there to give you a hug!
((((((((KT))))))))
Praying for you. I've no idea about any details, other than what you've blogged, but... it seems we're usually harder on ourselves than we should be. If God has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself as well. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes we need to be reminded too.
((((HUGS))))
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