Mourning

I've been reluctant to put my thoughts into words the last 8 days. I'm afraid to cry, when I am supposed to be the pillar of strength to the youth I minister to.

Last Tuesday, one of my 8th grade CCD teachers left work with a headache. 2 days later his ex wife got a call from his work stating he had not been to work. His cell phone was left at work, he was not answering his phone at home. They asked if she had a key to the house. She didn't. She called the police. They found him in his room. Somewhere between Tuesday and Weds he had passed away. I assume it happened Tuesday, because he did not show up for CCD class on Wednesday. I did not hear from him saying he would not be there and that is not like Mike to not call me.

Thursday had spoken to J about the upcoming Confirmation retreat. I had lined up for talks, T, J, myself, and Mike. I was planning to call Mike on Monday or Tuesday to solidify plans for his talk. I left work Thursday afternoon focused on our upcoming road trip. Pele had to go to the vet because she had pulled out a couple stitches. This would prove to be a blessing in disguise as we would soon find out.

We went over a few things with the cat sitter, and were on our way. Late, but happy to be headed to WV for the night. Then I got the call from C, one of the parents of my HS youth. When she told me Mike was gone, I didn't believe it. I thought maybe Mike's son and her daughter were trying to joke around. Derek and I went tot he church. I didn't have my keys so we called J cause his office light was on. Nothing. I contacted Mike's ex...it was true, Mike was gone. I made arrangements to stop by and see the kids. (They had 2 awesome kids together) When I realized J was not in his office, I ran to the rectory. No one there. So I decided to leave a message for J and head to see the kids. Just then J walks up. He too got the call. We were both in shock. He told me he'd let Fr John know and with that Derek and I left.

Seeing A ad S was difficult. I remember the pain of finding out my own dad was gone. S was sitting outside, in the cold, sobbing. She had 2 people comforting her. I just hugged her. I had no words that I knew of that would comfort her and take away her pain. I told her I loved her and that she and I were both lucky because we both had 2 daddy's in heaven now. I told her my dad probably introduced himself to her dad and invited him to play poker "(giggle) My dad liked to play poker" she said.....I told her they would be good friends up there watching over us. I'm sure my dad shared embarrassing stories about me with Mike and I can "see" him smiling with the same smile I see on A and S's faces all the time.

A showed up and I could tell he had been upset, but was trying to be strong. We joked and laughed, and talked for a while. As I was getting ready to leave S asked me why I had to go. I wish I didn't have to, but I did. From there, I called a couple more people and cried along the way. Derek was awesome that night. He let me have my time...all the time I felt I needed with the kids. He tried to make me laugh as we began our road trip. Just the best support. I love him.

The weekend with the family was great and it kept my mind off of things for a while. Tuesday morning I woke up dreading the work load I faced. My day pretty much was filled with calling the parents of the youth in Mike's class. Everyone was shocked. The kind words spoken about Mike were comforting. The kids in his class really loved him. They loved being in his class. Of course they all asked "What happened" Truth be told, I don't know. I still do not know.

Wednesday I was clearing some paperwork from my desk. Amidst the piles was the outline of the retreat, still with Mike's name on it for the talk I was going to ask him to give. It was hard to cross his name off the paper. That talk was made for him. Seriously.

All of this is so surreal. I keep waiting for someone to say "Just kidding". Even though I know the reality is, that won't happen. I keep waiting for the right words to speak to the kids. That too is likely not to happen. The right words would be the words that would help them to not feel any pain. To not be sad, to not have to shed a tear. I know I cannot do that. It kills me. I hurt so badly for them and I hurt that even though I only knew him for a short time, I lost a good friend. Someone who, though he knew "everything", wasn't arrogant or big headed about it. He never made you feel stupid if you didn't know something. He loved his faith, he loved his church, he loved teaching CCD and my gosh, he loved those 2 kids of his.

I was walking to the church yesterday, passing by the school and a thought ran through my head as I watched parents walking out of the school with their kids. "Funny, I won't see Mike walking across the lawn here on his way to pick up S." That made me sad, because I always enjoyed our brief chats, whether it was about something going on with A, or to ask me about an upcoming Youth Ministry activity, to talking about something that happened in class. Even to ask me how Derek was doing. No more........it's so weird to think that. So very weird....surreal.

Mike was a great guy and even though he bugged Brian (who he taught CCD with) all the time about being a priest (I swear I felt like a referee for those two), he had a big heart, a love for the Church, and he lived a life worthy of the promises of eternal life.

So excuse me while I shed a tear or two the next few days. Losing a friend sucks.